The Relashionshits!

So I have taken the past few days to think about a topic most readers could identify with, and I believe I’ve succeeded. Today’s topic of discussion is relationships. Yes, relationships do have a few great qualities such as having someone to fall back upon, but who wants to be bored to tears as I list off every good aspect to a relationship? Would it not be so much more entertaining to read about how screwed up they can be? Every relationship starts out great, or at least based upon perspective. You fall in love, count every moment you’ve been apart while waiting to see them again, and look deeply and lovingly into their eyes hanging on every word they say, But there comes a point in a lot of them, if not most, that this tends to shift to the exact opposite side of the spectrum. Comedian Dane cook refered to these by calling them “relashionshits”, and if you’re the average American you have at one point or another at least once in your life, if your lucky, have had one of these, and if you haven’t you my friend have been living as a hermit. Which if this is the case you most likely are not reading this.

Once the initial honeymoon phase wears off, which seems to be a few years down the road, you no longer stare deep into your significant other’s eyes lovingly. It tend to be more of a “I’m going to cut you with this spoon… And it’s going to hurt” look. Another one of my favorite terms within the “relashionshit” that Dane Cook often talks about is the “nothing fight”. I know you all have to know what I am talking about. Its like when you’re sitting in a room looking with the intent of murder with a tick-tick and all of a sudden you get the urge to relieve some of the rage the sight of your “loved one” gives you. Maybe yelling something to the effect of “Why are you so ugly?”, and you will fight for no other reason than your board at that moment. It gets to the point where you know you should have split up a very long time before it escalated to this level but we as humans for some reason think it’s so much easier to stay in the dead relationship rather than say like adults “Hey you know what? I think this might need to be the end.” And we find the most ridiculous reasons to justify this. Things like one of her DVDs, even if she hates the move, is still at his place or his one black sock is stuck under the spare tire in her trunk. I can tell you speaking as a man we have a goal to any fight we find ourselves in, and that is to make the woman cry. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the big sopping tears that tend to flow like the Mississippi I’m talking about the single tear that rolls down the cheek, much like the old Native-American that sheds the single tear due to the clean air PSAs that aired back in the 1980s. But I do have to say women to tend to win about 99% of all fights, and there is a very simple reason for this. They really do seem to be masters at the art of mental terrorism. They have it down to a science. Thinking back to all the times that I’ve had this pulled on me I am amazed by this art form. I still to this day can not figure out how they developed this specialized talent. Is it inherited from birth, do they all gather together and try to figure out the best way to do this, or do their mothers teach them this? For those men that have never experienced this I shall enlighten you, and women please don’t get pissed. It’s not like I’m revealing all your secrets, because frankly this is the only one I have figured out and I’m still not even sure if I’ve really figured it out. You’ll be there in the moment arguing, some time will be going by and the fight will keep heating up every moment that passes. After a few minutes, as she’s been preparing the tiniest of comments, she will pull her signature warning sign such as switching up her whole game by agreeing with everything your saying, or it might even be the smallest of physical movements like she will shift all her weight to one leg. She will then start to walk away, but just before she leaves the room she will utter the comment ever so slightly. Now this comment could be something to the effect of “You’re just like your father.” That’s the time bomb she has planted inside of your head. It doesn’t matter to us at first, but as time goes by be it twenty minutes or even 3 hours a man will start thinking about it. First it starts off as we laugh it off but as it builds it weighs on our minds more and more. This continues untill were passing back and forth wearing a hole in the floor until it gets to the point men will rush through the house, steaming angry and needing to fight some more, trying to find the woman. But on our way to find you we haven’t even thought of anything to say. I mean there is no dialog of any kind, so we resort to three things. First being swearing a whole lot more, second getting louder, and third pointing out the obvious. And as we’re sitting there doing these three things we will continue to pace locking eyes and screaming things such as “My fucking father was a great man! A great man! He did whatever the hell he had to do to keep his family alive. No he’s not perfect, but you know what no one’s fucking perfect! Are you? Fuck no we all have our shit flaws, so get the fuck over it bitch! I’d be honored to even be half the god damn man he was! You don’t even know.” As time ticks by in a relationship you realize just how hard it is to keep some semblance of a “good” relationship. One reason is that at some point, if you last long enough, you have heard everything they have had to say. There are no new stories that the other person has not heard, no new ideas that haven’t been thought of, it’s all been said in one shape or form. Now what makes this even harder is once men have said everything they have thought of we stop talking about it, but women love to talk. Men would rather cut off their left arm with a herring than state something they’ve said more than once. But on the other hand women love to talk, at great lengths. They don’t even need a man to converse with. All they need is a man to set up for conversation by saying something like “Oh, honey, how was your day?” After that they go off from there, and all they need is a man to sit there smiling nodding his head saying slight inflections like “Oh that’s interesting”, and “Is that so?” or “Did she really?”

Now with that all said I can tell you I’ve had my fair share of bad relationships. Some of my worst has been with in the past few years. Granted, I’ve walked into a couple of them with the red flags screaming at me not to do it. Not sure why I didn’t see them when they were so very blatantly obvious, but I guess that’s why they say love is blind. But is love also def and mute? I’ve dated some real winners in the past, yes some have been some great ones that just didn’t pan out for one reason or another, but for the most part I’ve experienced great amounts of bullshit. After many hours of introspection I believe I’ve learned my lesson. It’s just a shame it took this long to do so, but better late than never… Right?

~ by finnobannion on September 8, 2012.

8 Responses to “The Relashionshits!”

  1. Omg that is hilarious! I love it! And for the record, it is inherited. We’re born with it, we just refine it over time.

    • I’m glad I have entertained at least one person. and I had a feeling that women were born with the ability to fucker up a mans mind. Especially since they do it so well.

      • It is a skill as well as something we’re gifted with. You know how guys are gifted with the ability to just block everything out? Yeah, we don’t have that filter. We just have to go through life, fending off each other when we pull that. And sometime around the end of puberty is where girls stop the girl on girl violence and concentrate on the common enemy. Men.

  2. Well, I for one can’t relate to the theme of relationships. I must be a hermit. Yet, I’m reading this. How is it possible?!

    I first read the post title as “Relationshifts.” I think that would be a great term, too.

    Anyway, quite amusing.

  3. Reblogged this on Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon and commented:
    My friend, Finn, over at Finding Finn, wrote this hilarious article on relationships. I laughed until I died a little inside.

  4. Finn, you ARE just like your father. LOL

  5. […] Finding Finn: Finn, I actually hate your blog, but I didn’t want to leave you out, lest you kill yourself.  No, I’m really just kidding!  You have been a good and loyal friend to me for years.  Your mind is amusing, but it’s also thoughtful.  I do hope that you take the time to share with the world some more.  You really have something going, and I have a lot of faith in your blog to be giving you this award, you know. […]

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